How to Spot Red and Green Flags (Without Oversimplifying People)
Beyond the Checklist
If you’ve spent any time in the dating or relationship world, you’ve probably seen lists of “red flags” that claim to tell you exactly when to run. Things like: if they don’t text back within an hour, red flag. If they don’t post you on social media, red flag. If they cancel plans twice, red flag.
The problem is, real life is much messier than that. Everyone has stress. Everyone has flaws. Everyone gets it wrong sometimes. If we treated one misstep as a dealbreaker, no relationship would make it past the first month.
Spotting red and green flags isn’t about perfection—it’s about paying attention to patterns over time. Do their actions build safety and connection, or do they repeatedly erode trust and leave you feeling small?
When we look at flags this way, we get something more useful than a checklist: a window into compatibility.
By the way, I’m Kayli Larkin, and I help people break free from anxious attachment patterns and attract the secure, fulfilling relationships they desire.
Why This Matters for Anxious Attachment
For people with anxious attachment, this topic is especially important. Anxious attachment often shows up as scanning for danger. That means you might notice every little inconsistency, every pause in a text thread, every tone shift in a conversation. The nervous system interprets those moments as potential abandonment, and suddenly the mind is spinning with stories: Did I do something wrong? Are they losing interest?
On the other end of the spectrum, anxious attachment can also lead to idealizing someone early on. That first spark—that feeling of being chosen—can feel so powerful that red flags get overlooked or rationalized away.
Both of these tendencies—overreacting to small signals or overlooking big ones—make it harder to see what’s really happening. Understanding red and green flags in a nuanced way helps you stay grounded, neither panicking at every hiccup nor ignoring patterns that don’t work for you.
Green Flags Aren’t About Perfection
A green flag doesn’t mean someone always says the right thing or never drops the ball. It means that overall, their way of relating builds safety and respect.
Some examples:
They can admit when they’re wrong and make it right.
They show genuine curiosity about your needs and experiences.
Their actions generally match their words.
Even if they mess up, they show effort to repair.
None of these require perfection. They’re about willingness and follow-through. Green flags are about someone’s orientation toward growth and connection.
Red Flags as Repeated Patterns
Red flags aren’t single mistakes either. Everyone zones out during a conversation sometimes. Everyone forgets to reply once in a while. What makes something a red flag is when the pattern repeats—and when the response to being called out is dismissal, defensiveness, or blame.
Some examples:
They consistently dismiss your feelings instead of trying to understand them.
They promise change but keep repeating the same hurtful behavior without effort.
They make you responsible for their comfort while offering little in return.
Red flags are about what happens after the mistake. Do they take accountability and move toward repair, or do they turn it back on you?
Real-Life Scenarios
1. Texting After a Date
You’ve just had a good first date. The next day, you’re waiting for a text.
Red flag pattern: They disappear for days, then pop back in with no acknowledgment. When you ask about it, they get defensive or suggest you’re being too demanding.
Green flag pattern: They may not be glued to their phone, but they communicate their availability. If they drop the ball, they circle back with acknowledgment.
Why it matters: Consistency shows whether someone values building connection, even in small ways.
2. Bringing Up a Concern
You felt brushed off during a conversation and decide to mention it.
Red flag pattern: They roll their eyes, change the subject, or make you feel silly for being upset.
Green flag pattern: They may not agree right away, but they stay present. Maybe they ask a clarifying question or take time to reflect and come back to it later.
Why it matters: The ability to stay engaged during discomfort is a huge marker of relational safety.
3. Making Plans
You’ve been talking for a while and are trying to set up another date.
Red flag pattern: They keep things vague, cancel repeatedly, or leave you unsure if you’ll ever meet up.
Green flag pattern: Life happens, but if they cancel, they reschedule. They make concrete plans that show follow-through.
Why it matters: Reliability is a foundation of trust.
4. Expressing Needs
You tell them you’d appreciate more regular check-ins.
Red flag pattern: They accuse you of being needy or make you feel guilty for asking.
Green flag pattern: They may not know how to meet that need perfectly, but they show curiosity: “Tell me more about what helps you feel connected.”
Why it matters: A willingness to understand your perspective signals collaboration, not dismissal.
5. Handling Conflict
An argument comes up over something important.
Red flag pattern: They shut down, stonewall, or escalate into insults.
Green flag pattern: Conflict still happens, but it’s followed by attempts to repair—an apology, a softening, or an effort to find middle ground.
Why it matters: All relationships have conflict. What matters is whether conflict becomes destructive or constructive.
Somatic Awareness and Spotting Flags
Sometimes the clearest signals don’t come from a person’s words—they come from how your body feels when you’re with them. Our nervous systems are constantly scanning for safety and connection. When you’ve had anxious attachment patterns, your system may be tuned to pick up on danger quickly or mistake unpredictability for excitement.
Somatic awareness is a powerful tool here. Instead of only asking, “What did they say or do?” check in with: “How do I feel in my body around them?”
Some cues to notice:
Do you feel a steady sense of ease, or does your body stay tense?
When you leave an interaction, do you feel calm or unsettled?
In moments of conflict, can your breath return to normal, or do you stay on alert?
Example: You’re on a date with someone new. They’re charming and funny, but afterward your stomach feels knotted. That’s data—it doesn’t automatically mean they’re unsafe, but it’s worth noticing. Contrast that with a date where you feel grounded and relaxed. That’s a green flag at the nervous system level.
Why this matters: Somatic awareness helps you cut through the anxious stories. Your body may notice inconsistencies long before your mind rationalizes them away.
A Practical Reflection
After spending time with someone, pause and ask yourself three questions:
Body: How does my body feel right now?
Mind: Are my thoughts calmer or more chaotic than before?
Energy: Do I feel more open and at ease, or more guarded and tight?
Over time, these check-ins help you distinguish between anxiety-driven attraction and genuine compatibility.
Integrating Somatic Awareness with Red and Green Flags
A green flag isn’t just about their behavior—it’s about how their consistency feels in your body.
A red flag may show up as a persistent unease, even when it’s hard to explain.
The goal isn’t to panic at one sensation but to notice the pattern over time.
The Nuance of Compatibility
A red flag for you may not be a red flag for someone else. For example, if you need regular check-ins and they prefer long stretches of independence, that might not mean either of you is wrong—it might just mean you’re not compatible.
Compatibility is less about labeling someone as unhealthy and more about asking: Does their way of relating help me feel calm and clear, or more anxious and confused?
You might meet someone kind and well-intentioned who simply can’t offer the consistency you need. That doesn’t make them a villain—it just means your needs and their style don’t align.
When you focus on compatibility instead of labeling, it becomes easier to walk away without blame or self-doubt.
Reflection Prompts
When have I felt calm and steady with someone? What supported that feeling?
When have I felt anxious or uncertain? What patterns contributed?
How do I want someone to respond when I share a need or concern?
Am I paying more attention to one amazing moment, or the overall pattern?
Closing Thoughts
Spotting red and green flags is less about making snap judgments and more about gathering information. It’s about noticing whether someone’s patterns leave you feeling safe, valued, and respected.
Everyone gets it wrong sometimes. What matters is what happens next—do they lean in and repair, or dismiss and deflect?
Compatibility isn’t about finding someone flawless. It’s about finding someone whose way of relating feels steady enough to build trust with. When you can see patterns clearly, you give yourself the gift of calm confidence in love.
Want More Support?
If you’ve recognized some of your own anxious patterns while reading this, you don’t have to figure it out alone. The Secure Love Toolkit was created to help people with anxious attachment shift into clarity and confidence in dating.
Inside, you’ll learn how to:
Identify red and green flags with more ease
Get clear on what a secure relationship looks like for you
Shift your energy so you naturally attract more secure, steady partners
Feel calmer and more confident in your dating choices
It’s a set of practical tools to help you get your head and heart in the right space for secure love.
For Anxious Attachment — Break Free from Anxious Patterns & Attract a Secure Partner
