Coaching clients often tell me they’re worried about “being too much” in relationships. So many of us have felt this — an internal voice that tries to keep us small, a quiet reminder not to take up too much space, not to need too much, not to feel too deeply.

That fear of being so whatever that it pushes someone away. This feeling can come from a part of us that fears rejection or abandonment or lack of love. In attachment terms, this part is often linked to an anxious attachment pattern — a protective strategy built around the hope that if we stay agreeable and easy, love will stay too.

If you’ve spent any time in the dating or relationship world, you’ve probably seen lists of “red flags” that claim to tell you exactly when to run. Things like: if they don’t text back within an hour, red flag. If they don’t post you on social media, red flag. If they cancel plans twice, red flag.

The problem is, real life is much messier than that. Everyone has stress. Everyone has flaws. Everyone gets it wrong sometimes. If we treated one misstep as a dealbreaker, no relationship would make it past the first month.

Spotting red and green flags isn’t about perfection—it’s about paying attention to patterns over time.

Have you ever noticed how even after doing a lot of personal work, even after learning about your own relationship patterns, there can still be moments where connection feels confusing?

For people who’ve already done a lot of self-reflection, this can feel frustrating. They understand the pattern, they know what anxious attachment looks like, and they might even catch it happening in the moment.

But that doesn’t always prevent the response from showing up.