If you’ve spent any time in the dating or relationship world, you’ve probably seen lists of “red flags” that claim to tell you exactly when to run. Things like: if they don’t text back within an hour, red flag. If they don’t post you on social media, red flag. If they cancel plans twice, red flag.

The problem is, real life is much messier than that. Everyone has stress. Everyone has flaws. Everyone gets it wrong sometimes. If we treated one misstep as a dealbreaker, no relationship would make it past the first month.

Spotting red and green flags isn’t about perfection—it’s about paying attention to patterns over time.

Have you ever noticed how even after doing a lot of personal work, even after learning about your own relationship patterns, there can still be moments where connection feels confusing?

For people who’ve already done a lot of self-reflection, this can feel frustrating. They understand the pattern, they know what anxious attachment looks like, and they might even catch it happening in the moment.

But that doesn’t always prevent the response from showing up.

Have you ever noticed how a few hours of waiting for someone to get back to you can feel like a huge rejection, even though objectively they haven’t rejected you?

For people with anxious attachment, these little gaps in communication can bring up a lot of emotion, second guessing, and self-blame.