What It’s Like to Have a Partner Who Meets Your Needs
I talk to a lot of people who have never been in a relationship where they felt like their needs were being met.
So they start to question whether it’s “normal” and maybe they’re just too demanding or too needy, picky, sensitive or all these things that they’ve been told over the years.
Sometimes a partner has gaslighted them, and they’ve internalized this idea that it’s their own fault they’re not getting their needs met.
If you’ve never been in a relationship where you felt like your partner gave you what you wanted you might wonder what that’s like. Does this magical relationship exist somewhere out there for you?
Or maybe you’re trying to decide whether to stay in a relationship, and you’re not sure if the relationship has ever met your needs.
So I’m here to share with you what it’s like when your partner gives you what you ask for, and you *both* work to meet each other’s needs. In fact, you give each other what you’re each asking for.
One of the primary needs that most everyone has is love. You might have heard of “love languages”, or ways that people express their love — people might prefer to give and receive love through
words of affirmation
quality time
touch
gift giving
acts of service
People have different preferences when it comes to how they prefer to give and receive love. It’s important to know your love language and your partner’s because sometimes (such as in an anxious attachment style), people will believe they’re not receiving love when they actually are, it’s just not “in their language”. Imagine if someone was saying “I love you” in a language that wasn’t yours — you might not recognize it but it’s still love!
My partner and I try to cover all the love languages, because I don’t think we need to skimp when it comes to expressing love. But we also pay extra attention to the ways that the other prefers to receive love. Here are some examples of *how* we love each other.
Words of affirmation:
We tell each other we love each other every day - sometimes it’s at morning, at night, and just whenever we want to express how we feel. We don’t wait for a special occasion. We do it regularly. We also regularly tell each other what we appreciate about the other person. Yours might be more specific — you might like to be told you’re beautiful, or attractive, or a wonderful partner. If this is your love language, do your loved ones know what you like to be told?
Quality time:
We love spending time together! But we do have our own interests — I like to do dance videos online, whereas my partner doesn’t really enjoy that for himself. But where we both agree is partner dance. Similarly, we both love music, but he’s more of a musician than I am and plays several instruments. So we meet in the middle by playing together on the piano — sometimes I’ll play the left hand and he plays the right or vice versa.
The important part is that both of you are really present for the time you spend together (as opposed to on your phones, which is a different sort of hang-out).
Touch:
Touch is one of his primary love languages — not so much mine, so although I love cuddling and being affectionate, I work extra hard to make sure I’m meeting him in this area — like walking by him in the kitchen and running my hand across his back or snuggling up and putting my arms around him.
Consider where you might meet other people’s love languages that aren’t necessarily your own.
Giving gifts:
When I was growing up, I didn’t usually receive much of what was on my gift list, so now I really love to just get the specific thing that I want, and I usually make a list. That way I get exactly what I want, and he’s happy he got me something I like.
For example, he knew that for my birthday I really wanted some custom made shampoo because I’m really into natural products.
He doesn’t usually make lists for me, so I listen carefully and make my own list over the months leading up to a holiday where we do gifts. For example, he mentioned how he’s always wanted a gift basket like the ones he gives, so I started putting together gift baskets I made myself, then on his birthday made a fun scavenger hunt so he could find the basket.
This is the Valentine’s Day basket I put together for him, and he loved it! And I learned that he likes chocolate cherries, not strawberries. For the record.
This is very much like other aspects of a relationship. Sometimes we can ask for what we want directly, sometimes we can be attuned and listen for each other’s needs.
Acts of service:
We’re both involved in doing chores and doing nice things for each other. Sometimes one of us will go out of out way to do an errand or a chore even though we don’t feel like it to make life easier for the other person. It’s just part of being in a relationship, with some give and take. Fairness is important!
Being responsive:
(not a love language but super important):
We’re also careful to be *responsive* to each other’s needs. If you’re in the store and ask your partner if you’re out of veggies, they can say “I don’t know” and carry on with what they’re doing, or they can say “Good question, do you want me to grab some carrots?” The Gottman Institute found that couples who were responsive to their partner’s needs had happier and longer lasting relationships.
If you’re wondering if this is possible…
It is possible, and yes it might feel magical if you haven’t experienced this, but it’s actually a really healthy way of doing relationship to work on meeting each other’s needs and desires.
One way to get closer to this in your own life is to work on your attachment style so that you can be the person you want to be in relationships and attract more of the love you want.
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