What to Do When Relationships Feel One-Sided
You’re showing up, you're reaching out, you're putting in a lot of effort, and they're just sort of there.
If you've ever experienced a situation where you feel like you're putting in a whole bunch more effort than they are, and you're the one who's more interested, it can feel really frustrating. And it’s really common in anxious attachment style.
So many people I’ve worked with have had the experience of being in relationships where their partner wasn’t putting in as much effort. They weren’t receiving back what they were putting into the relationship, and it felt one-sided. They weren’t getting back all the love and care they were pouring into the relationship. It felt like they were putting in more of an investment than the other person was, and they felt demoralized, frustrated, sad, and just fed up with the whole situation.
Why this happens in anxious attachment
This can be particularly hard for someone with anxious attachment style because…. for someone who's learned that love requires effort, this old patterning can keep us in the chase. So the old patterning says something like: we need to put in a lot of effort. We need to convince the other person that we're worth dating, that we're worth getting to know, that we're worth being friends with, that we're worth loving.
And that old patterning, it's sad because… we're all so much more than that, and we don't need to convince anyone else of our worth. We don't really need to convince anyone else that we're worth dating. You're worth dating for a whole bunch of reasons that don't require you to convince anyone.
And of course, we all have things we can work on. We can all become better relational partners. But underneath that, we all have worth. In the anxious attachment system, there's instability that happens early on, when a caregiver wasn't consistently available. When someone wasn't consistently available, then we try harder.
We try to make sure that the relationship is stable and we spend a lot of time, we spend a lot of effort. We spend a lot of intention making sure that everything is okay between us and our partner. So when that pattern is playing out, that's what we expect in a relationship. We expect that we're gonna have to be the one who puts in more effort.
Settling for crumbs
We may even expect that we'll just settle for crumbs. And nobody needs to just settle for crumbs when they’re putting in a whole bunch of effort. Ideally, you find someone who values you for who you are, and then put your effort into getting to know them. When they see something in you that they love and they're drawn to that, then you don't need to pretend to be something else because they love you for who you actually are.
Shifting the pattern - healthy interest
So instead of chasing — how do we begin to notice what’s happening? Whether you’re being met part way, or whether you’re putting in all the effort?
Healthy interest doesn't need to be managed. It doesn't need to be coerced, obviously. It doesn't need to be controlled.
Healthy interest just shows up because it's attracted to you, and that's a beautiful thing.
The consistency and the care and the mutual effort, those are basics. Those aren't bonuses that are added on that we eventually want to achieve. Those are the bare minimum. So we should be looking for consistency and care in relationship. We shouldn’t need to have to work extra hard to receive consistency and care.
Consistency and care is the minimum
And if we are having to work extra hard to receive consistency and care, that’s a problem. When we're in a relationship that's healthy and secure, we're receiving back the energy that we're putting in. And if it's lopsided, if one person's putting in more energy than the other, then sometimes we can get into trouble there. So when you're dating, you want to be looking for relationships that are giving you back the energy that you're putting in.
If you're doing all of the emotional labor, you're the one who's always reaching out. You're the one who's always making plans, always initiating, then you're probably not receiving back that energy.
The first step is to notice whether you’re receiving back energy.
If not, then you can determine how to manage your own energy so you’re not being pulled in, or creating something that isn’t there.
And how do you stay rooted in your own energy? For many people, this involves stepping back a bit. Stepping back into their own passions, into their own hobbies, into more of who they are. Because a lot of times when people find themselves in the chasing role and the pursuing role, they've actually become less of who they are.
They're trying to protect the relationship or create the relationship at the expense of themselves. And so when you become more connected to who you are and you remember more who you are, this is fundamental — it’s underneath any kind of performance, underneath any kind of need to prove your worthiness. Underneath any kind of need for approval.
It’s a simple recognition of your own worthiness.
Getting in touch with the Self beneath it all
In IFS, they talk about the Self with a capital S. And that Self is when we're feeling kindness, compassion, wisdom. If you were going to give advice to a really good friend and you were in Self, then you were tapped into your compassion.
When you're in a space where you're really connected to who you are underneath all the other stuff. That stuff could be attachment stuff that's come up over the years. It could be baggage, it could be stories that you've created or that you've learned living your life and that have now become true for you.
But underneath all of that stuff is you, who you really are when you can get in touch with that self and love on it. And really begin to affirm your worth and really love yourself. That shines through and people can see that. And so that is very powerful. And doing practices that help you to begin to recognize your self-worth, if that's something that you've struggled with, is very powerful.
Practices for self-trust and love
It’s helpful to do practices that let you trust and love yourself without having to rely on someone else's recognition or approval. That makes you so much more resilient. So much more autonomous, but not in an extremely avoidant way. It’s about trusting yourself, knowing that you have enough power to do what you want to do, where you feel empowered enough to actualize.
But going back to how to stay rooted in your own energy, it's really about trusting yourself, finding your solid ground.
And feeling connected to yourself with a capital S. The wiser loving self, feeling connected to that.
When you own that energy, you don’t get pulled into making something work that isn’t going to work.
Staying rooted in your own energy
It's really about trusting yourself, finding your solid ground and feeling connected to your Self with the capital S, the wiser higher self, the loving self. Feeling connected to that, that is very powerful. And when you can own that energy, then you don't get pulled into trying to make something work that isn't meant to work or trying to create a relationship with someone who's not really interested. Instead, you know what your boundaries are. You know what you want in relationship — and that's a very powerful place to be in. So, you don't have to perform to hold someone's attention. You don't have to pretend to be something that you're not. You can just be yourself and see who shows up. And that can be very powerful.
And that mutual connection, it feels solid. It feels like someone else is giving back what you're giving, like you're receiving the energy that you're putting out, and that feels really good when you get to that point.
If you’d like support dating in a secure way, check out the Secure Love Toolkit, which includes a secure partner checklist and a guided meditation to help you trust yourself and attract what you're looking for.
